Ouch.

http://www.sexandmoneyfilm.com/

please take some time and have a look at this. its what caused snot and tears to run down my face for a great big portion of this thursday night.

well not this film exactly but what it represents.

its funny [well not really] but we see a lot of devastation here, we learn about lots of things that just shouldn't be the way they are, we look at photographs of babies merely skin and bones and I kind of keep expecting that soon it won't .... hurt.

but the tears roll. im a tough kid right, like I don't cry and stuff. Except I cry all the time when my heart hurts. Not big crazy sobs like a mad woman just salty tears rolling down my cheeks.

I never want to be numb to this stuff. Its not about tears or an outward expression of what's hurting inside but I just want to make sure this "stuff" always bruises my heart. Not just leaving a big icky purple mark but a bruise reminds you of the pain that caused you to get one right? You're going to have a reminder. to. act.

Coming to the realisation that I can't feed every hungry baby, I can't restore proper relationship in every family, I can't give clean water to every grandpa that need it is difficult for me. I wrestle with this. If God is a good God why doesn't He just click His fingers, wouldn't that be "easier" and if He doesn't click His fingers is He really good?

Yes He is good. He is good to me. When I sat under the palm trees in the dark looking at the stars tonight, spluttering words to Him through my tears, clenching my fists because I didn't have the words I think He just said to me "I know"

Sometimes I think I just need to know that He knows.

Shivers sometimes my heart hurts.

Shivers sometimes I don't know how to be useful.

But

Shivers He loves me.